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Without a plan, outline, and most days, a clue, I’ve completed my first AtoZ Challenge! *Trumpet fanfare*

Taking it one letter at a time, and many deep breaths, I shared some of the feelings I’ve experienced since losing my husband and my mom in 2019.

Participating in the challenge gave me a measure of clarity and freed me of more anxiety than I thought possible.

But it also did something else.

It had me in front of my laptop writing! *The crowd gasps*

With more than a few sequels and wips in progress, I’ve accomplished nothing in the last two years.

But grief didn’t suddenly strip me of the desire to write.

Den and Mom were my two biggest cheerleaders, and the last thing they would want is for me to stop writing.

However, slowly over time, the ability to write left me like a slow leak until I was empty.

I tried, with no success.

So I was little more than a house plant that read books.

Then, fellow blogger/author, Marquessa, hosted a March Writing Challenge and I joined AND completed it.

For very personal reasons, I was motivated to join and complete the AtoZ Challenge, which as of today, gives me SIXTY-TWO consecutive days of writing! *And the crowd goes wild!*

Not a biggie for some, but HUUUUGE for me at this point!

What will I write about tomorrow?

I have NO idea!

But there will be writing!

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PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

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There are zero days left in April.

There are zero days left in the challenge… that I never intended on entering!

And I have zero regrets about any of it.

I’m not going to lie, It wasn’t easy.

There were days when I wanted to close the laptop and hide.

But I’d quit enough times. It was time to see a project through to its completion.

And  I did.

I won’t say things like, “It healed me,” or “I had a life-changing revelation,” or “The heavens opened to a choirs of angels singing.” But sharing my grief journey this month has helped.

Den’s birthday and the second anniversary of his death are both in May. They haven’t been easy days in the past, and may not be easy this year, but I’ll face them both with a sense of gratitude and hope for the future instead of heartbreak and hopelessness.

I hope blog visitors on their own grief journeys found some solace here, and those who aren’t perhaps found some understanding.

If you have an #AtoZChallenge I missed, please leave a link in the comments and I’ll stop by.

🙂

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On May 30, 2019, I lost Dennis, my husband of over thirty-five years. Ten short weeks later on August 18, 2019, I lost my eighty-four-year-old mother. My grief journey has not been an easy one. While we know grief has five stages, there are many situations and feelings some bereaved never get to express, and I’m using my first AtoZ Challenge to say things I’ve never been able to give voice to. I hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

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It’s been twenty-three months since Den died.

Sometimes it feels like an eternity.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

It feels like yesterday I was making enchiladas for Den’s favorite day, Taco Tuesday, while he sang a rendition of Luther Vandross’ Here and Now that so was bad, it made Max howl.

I seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the mortuary conference room, barely able to breathe, making Den’s final arrangements.

Both of those days happened in the same week.

I remember the yesterdays that hold the births of our three children, birthdays, anniversaries, school events, family get-togethers, medical issues, arguments, disagreements, and wacky in-laws that fill more than thirty-five years of marriage.

There are times it hurts to remember yesterdays, but I’m grateful for those times too.

They remind me to cherish each day and make a new memory with those I love so we’ll have more happy yesterdays.

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On May 30, 2019, I lost Dennis, my husband of over thirty-five years. Ten short weeks later on August 18, 2019, I lost my eighty-four-year-old mother. My grief journey has not been an easy one. While we know grief has five stages, there are many situations and feelings some bereaved never get to express, and I’m using my first AtoZ Challenge to say things I’ve never been able to give voice to. I hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Image by Michal Jarmoluk from Pixabay

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Okay, this isn’t a post about Xena, Warrior Princess! 😀

But then again…

A xenas is a strong, confident woman, so maybe we can take something from Xena.

Though my parents raised my sisters and me to be strong, confident women, the day I lost Den, I lost my strength too.

I was easily confused, would lose my train of thought, and couldn’t make a decision to save my life.

I doubted and second-guessed myself on things as simple as monthly bills, and began to avoid situations where I’d have to make decisions.

When I could no longer put off the dreaded trip to Social Security, I made an appointment, slipped Den’s death certificate into my bag and braced myself.

It turned out to be one of the brightest moments I’d had since Den died.

Mr. L wasn’t simply an overworked, underpaid paper shuffler.

He was a kind, compassionate professional who obviously had empathy for the dozens of people he helped every day.

Mr. L didn’t stare at a document or his computer screen. He’d printed out the documents he’d need for my appointment, positioned them so we could both see them, and what I believed would be a ten-minute, stressful ordeal was instead an uplifting experience which lasted almost an hour.

When I lost Den I also lost more than half my monthly income, and from the past experiences of family and friends, I knew Social Security wasn’t always female-friendly to married women (or widows). My mom was the only female I knew of who’d actually come out on the plus-side.

So, I steeled myself, ready to eat meat only on days with R’s in them, beans on days with S’s in them and buy store brand toilet paper. 😀

However, after Mr. L explained it all to me, I saw I was going to be okay, with no drastic changes even though I hadn’t reached retirement age. I wouldn’t have to choose the store brand toilet paper. YAAY!

(DISCLAIMER: I had NO idea hoarding toilet paper was on the horizon.)

I came away from the appointment feeling lighter, a burden lifted off my shoulders.

Simply because a kind man treated me with respect and dignity, and like an adult.

Because I AM an adult!

DUH, Felicia!

Months of soft voices asking childlike questions came crashing back. I was about to get heated in the parking lot.

How dare anyone treat me like-…

Then I realized how I’d been acting.

But no more!

Den always said one of the things that first attracted him to me was that I was take no prisoners ballsy!

I still consider it a compliment.

This grief journey is not just about learning to navigate life alone with a broken heart.

It’s also about not allowing grief to change or define me.

I am a strong, confident woman, regardless of what life tosses at me… a xenas.

Maybe the Warrior Princess and I do have something in common.

And I love her boots! 🙂

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On May 30, 2019, I lost Dennis, my husband of over thirty-five years. Ten short weeks later on August 18, 2019, I lost my eighty-four-year-old mother. My grief journey has not been an easy one. While we know grief has five stages, there are many situations and feelings some bereaved never get to express, and I’m using my first AtoZ Challenge to say things I’ve never been able to give voice to. I hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Image by John Hain from Pixabay

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A longtime friend checks in on me frequently and always greets me with, “How are ya’ healing?”

I appreciate his time, and the fact he acknowledges my grief from the beginning, allowing me to guide the conversation.

His greeting got me to thinking one day.

How AM I healing?

Am I 10% healed? 23%? 47%? Will I ever be fully recovered?

Of course not.

I  believe healing is an ongoing process.

I’ll never get over losing Den, but the wounds to my heart and soul will heal on the surface, and leave scars that protect my inner wounds… and remind me of the love we shared.

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On May 30, 2019, I lost Dennis, my husband of over thirty-five years. Ten short weeks later on August 18, 2019, I lost my eighty-four-year-old mother. My grief journey has not been an easy one. While we know grief has five stages, there are many situations and feelings some bereaved never get to express, and I’m using my first AtoZ Challenge to say things I’ve never been able to give voice to. I hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Image by Shad0wfall from Pixabay

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