~~~

Grief is exhausting.

I can eat healthy meals, exercise daily, and sleep 8-10 hours a night (okay, actually four)… and wake up feeling as though I never closed my eyes.

My body will allow me to sleep—sometimes—but my mind won’t allow me to rest. There’s no rejuvenation of energy, no refreshed feeling ready to face a new day.

Because my heart is stuck back on the worst day of my life, and my mind is looking for a way to move forward.

The conflict has worn on me for months.

And it has worn me down.

Without sufficient rest, preexisting conditions get worse, and new health issues appear.

I know firsthand how debilitating lack of rest can negatively impact one’s life and mental health.

I’ve tried countless ways to get my mind into a restful state. Aromatherapy, relaxing music, and homeopathic cures have brought me no success in my search for mindful rest.

I’ve even tried prescription sleeping pills, and no… just no. Never again.

Of course, there is no easy fix because resting is not the key issue, grief is.

And, grief is a process that will not be controlled or rushed.

These days, I have no set bedtime. I sleep when my body tells me to, be it two in the morning or two in the afternoon.

I might sleep for two hours, or perhaps even six.

I won’t say it’s a refreshing sleep, but I do feel more rested than trying to follow a clock… or the sun. 😀

~~~

On May 30, 2019, I lost Dennis, my husband of over thirty-five years. Ten short weeks later on August 18, 2019, I lost my eighty-four-year-old mother. My grief journey has not been an easy one. While we know grief has five stages, there are many situations and feelings some bereaved never get to express, and I’m using my first AtoZ Challenge to say things I’ve never been able to give voice to. I hope you’ll follow my journey.